Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
Are we still banned from the library?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
