I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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