my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
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