Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
