I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
spencer pratt says his family invinted chess
that kid is like the al gore of hollywood.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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