my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
