Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
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