the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
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