the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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