it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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