I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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