My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
