apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
