My liver just broke up with me...
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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