you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
She announced her abortion via fbk
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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