Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
