The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Randomize
