Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
