took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't deserve a penis
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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