Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize