Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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