you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
