Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
