i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
