I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
