i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
