She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
