Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
It's official drugs can't kill me
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
