People in love make me want to vomit
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
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