I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
