Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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