Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
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