I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
