Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
