turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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