She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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