Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
