This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
