there's paper in my vomit.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
