My room smells like vodka and shame
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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