thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
