but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Randomize
