Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
