the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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