went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Randomize
