im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
