he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Randomize