youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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