I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
