Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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