i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
