Someone shit on the floor
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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