I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Randomize
