God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
Found the puke drawer
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
