he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
