my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
