we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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