I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
