he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Randomize
