Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Someone came in the potted fern
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
