he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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