The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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