Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Randomize
