If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
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