sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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