My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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