You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just forgot I was standing up.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
