So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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