remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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