Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
