i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
