Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
and you said cock pushups were impossible
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
