The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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